I like poetry, romantic candlelit dinners, and quiet walks on the beach.

The Best Part Of The Suburbs Are The Toilets

Beneath the average American City exterior the suburbs try to present, I know for a fact that all the worst things in the world come from these disconnected living environments: Rent-To-Own, Automatic Sensor Faucets, Baseball, Individual Retirement Accounts, The Grilled Cheese Truck, “I have to use some vacation hours or I will lose them”, Plastic Mole Jars, Self-Checkout Cashiers. I bet all of these modern evils have been thought up in some suburban kitchen or den, by some equally evil people. Yeah, it has to be true.

But I do like getting invited to the pool parties. Today I found out that these bastard suburbanites also enjoy some outstanding tinkle stations.

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Jesus Pleads

Moses had his 10 commandments on some wifi tablets (or so I’ve heard) but here are the modern supplications of Mural Jesus set in cinder blocks, and they total 11!

5. NO LOITERING! (uh dude, yer repeating yerself)
6. NO DEFICATING! (he might mean defecating)
8. NO TIRAR BASURA! (don’t litter)
9. NO ORINAR! (don’t urinate while speaking Spanish)
10. NO DEFECAR! (keep your feces out of here, while grunting in Spanish)
11. NO PARKING! (unless you’re with a movie shoot, then you can park anywhere)

I walk by this sacred area quite often, but it wasn’t until Mr. Desmadre guided us through here for his recent Sunday outing that I noticed these holy signs, an eleven point plan to spiritual enlightenment. I try to live up to the pleadings of Chuy but eventually the dirty sins overcome my soul and have their way. I’m gonna litter right now!

I don’t think I’m the only one that succumbs to their nature. Click ahead to see what I mean.

Actually, don’t click ahead, you will not like what you see.

You better not be eating either, and don’t you blame me for nothing.

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Stolen Dictionary

No entiendo lo que dice al principio de este letrero, pero parece que nos van a regalar unos boletos para pasar el tiempo sometidos en un tipo de “jucio”, me imagino que es algun “juice” como dicen los Americanos. Que Padre! Prefiero nadar en tamarindo.

Igual, me conviene que solo me la paso de ratero en Español. Sabra porque…

LA Weekly Knows LA

Sidesider cat knows the score.

Hats off to Dennis Romero of the LA Weekly for schooling fools on some sense of LA geography that isn’t limited to the past 10 years. Check out this link and the discussion that is happening in the comments section, there are a bunch of cop out explanations of fluidity and change aka “I’m here now so the world is different”. I want to throw in my worthless two cents but have to get back to the pinchi jale.

You all should have your say.

El Dedo: Brand X

I wish I had the time to be more articulate. Or the patience to be more patient. In these times of La Crisis and economic uncertainty I find that I have to economize on words: can’t be wasting them on any old thing. But believe me that I have words, big bags of them, waiting to get poured out in a flood of meaning when I can figure out how to fit it into my schedule. Just cuz I ain’t saying nothing don’t mean I’m not thinking stuff. Thoughts cross my mind at all hours of the day, sometimes making me laugh for no reason, sometimes getting me upset like a mofo at some joker that deserves it. At some point I will have to squeeze in a bout of insanity to my busy life just to mete out my version of comeuppance.

Until that fateful day arrives I’ve come up with a quick and easy solution to deal with this problem that keeps gnawing at me, and I’m gonna call it El Dedo. (Yes, The Finger.) What unifies this fine series of posts? Well, the fact that I will give the finger to people, projects, and papers that sorely deserve it! Isn’t that kinda petty and juvenile? But of course!

I am equipped to tolerate lots of abuse but I am sick of these posers moving to LA and a few month later deciding to rename the city, calling everything East of where they feel comfortable the “Eastside.” We were making some headway on informing these newbies that the Eastside has a long history in Los Angeles and that it begins East of the river but lately there’s been another skirmish in that battle with lots of naive offenders once again writing us off the map, thinking they can dismiss El Sereno, Lincoln Heights, and Boyle Heights as being simply part of East LA. Nah fool, we ain’t having it.

The honor of the initial post to this series goes to that shitty paper with the even shittier title of “Brand X” which has been consistent in their renaming of the Eastside strategy, even though their mothership the LA Times thinks otherwise.

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The Three Beauties of the Modern Los Angeles Table. Sriracha, Ketchup, and Tapatio are ubiquitous around the city and usually always hanging out together.

Take a guess where this was spotted: first person to figure out the type of restaurant it was and leaves a comment on this post wins a free LA Eastside t-shirt. (Make sure you use a real email address tonto!)

If you are reading this on our facebook page make sure to comment here instead: https://laeastside.com/2011/05/condiments


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