Beneath the average American City exterior the suburbs try to present, I know for a fact that all the worst things in the world come from these disconnected living environments: Rent-To-Own, Automatic Sensor Faucets, Baseball, Individual Retirement Accounts, The Grilled Cheese Truck, “I have to use some vacation hours or I will lose them”, Plastic Mole Jars, Self-Checkout Cashiers. I bet all of these modern evils have been thought up in some suburban kitchen or den, by some equally evil people. Yeah, it has to be true.

But I do like getting invited to the pool parties. Today I found out that these bastard suburbanites also enjoy some outstanding tinkle stations.

It seems so average from outside, with the handicapped/lazy guy parking pretty stupidly and sending his underage daughters to buy cigarettes inside, cuz he was handicapped you see. Yes, there is always more than meets the eye.

For example, fancy peeing! Who wouldn’t want a nice flowerpot to look at while they did their business? Anti-American Terrorists, that’s who. This urinal was a bit low, is MAKE in town?

Is that some sort of water wand by the toilet?

Oh, its a European flair! The bidet finally comes to America, via a Hacienda Heights Chevron Gas station. Always on the cutting edge.

Having seen some of the wonders of that American Dream I refuse to buy on layaway, I headed back to the stark and ugly reality that is life without an improvised bidet.  Someday I shall escape the confines of my miserable world of waterless cleaning.