Tricks Are For Kids 101: Jesus Christ! Where The Fuck Have YOU Been?

grey building, grey people, grey food, grey walls. turned 18, see any hope? think you’ll fit, don’t give a shit, forget your past, cuz nothin’ lasts. see some die, see shallow lies. no going back, no going home, it’s all pitch black. (Dave Dictor)

It happened yesterday. Was it a miracle or just another day at the office? I had 1st period conference. I usually catch up with Adriana in the English Dept. or Liz in the textbook room or clarify something with Deans Zanki or Zubyk. But I got called for Period 1 coverage. I’m sent to the R building, to an English class. I walk in and the teacher leaves. There are 8 students in there. It’s a Special Ed class. They are busy looking up some terms from The Odyssey.


Hand goes up. “Mister, I can’t find this one.”

Terrified is the term. Over his shoulder, I peek at the dictionary entries:

terribleterrific…ahh… terrify. I discuss the past tense and clarify the words. Very quiet, these students. Focused. A kid gets up with his pass clenched in his hand. He leaves. I never really see his face.

Alejandra says, “That’s Jesus (pronounced biblically), Mister. He’ll be back.”

Oh shit, I’ve heard that before.

Jesus. As in Gee-zus. Not Jesus, as in hay-zeus. Wow. I sit down and get back to my book. It’s about Frank Lloyd Wright. He was interesting. It is dead silent. An occasional head looks up at me and I smile. Hand goes up, without the accompanying head straying from the dictionary.

“What about this one? Seer?”

I say, Oh, that would be a clairvoyant or prophet.

I spell them on the board and explain. I then mention and spell Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce and of course, Tiresias.


Quietly, the students copy. They are almost done, as is the class.

With ten minutes to go, the door opens and the kid who left enters and walks directly to me, head bowed.

“I’m Jesus. I’m back.”


Holy shit! He sat down and reopened the dictionary. After 2,000 years who knew it would end up like this? It’s Good Friday, but come on!


I stare at my book but it was difficult with Jesus at my side, calmly perusing the dictionary looking up the term prophet. Would he just pull out his I.D. from his wallet and show me his/His picture?  Wait, did he/He just giggle?  I was lost, yet found. Forsaken no longer.

The bell tolls, I mean, rings. All grab their things and head off.

But, this Jesus would not abandon me so soon. He wandered over to my desk and shook my hand. Very humble young man

“Mister. Did you mark me here?”

Yes, my Son, I marked you (ever) present, I did not say.

Yes, sure did, I said. You have a nice day. (May God Bless You? Godspeed? Damn, I mean darn, maybe those would have thrown him)

Like that, Jesus was gone. Again!

I stand here, nowhere near Mt. Sinai. Nor Mt. Olympus. But, Olympic Blvd is pretty close and so is Mt. Washington. Good enough? The lomas in City Terrace are heavenly enough. Anyway, I stand here to let the flock know the following:


Stop staring at those tortillas looking for more than scorched maiz.


That latest hickey on your chi chi is nothing more than a confirmation that your partner is a freakazoid.


Don’t stand in front of the mirror, twisting all around like a dizzy puppy, trying to decipher a divine scripture from the hickey on your nalgas either.


And please, when the chickens come to rest again, don’t search the violent smoke clouds or the empty skies for a familiar face.

What I say now is true and of great import. Yesterday, I met Jesus. He told me He was back. Who am I to not believe Him??!! Only one time before had the spirit of truth been so awe-inspiring. Behold the powers of divine revelation:

What did I do next? After basking in the presence of Jesus on Good Friday? I… I… then covered for Mr. Lopez’s homeroom down the hall.

Enjoy the rapture.

13 thoughts on “Tricks Are For Kids 101: Jesus Christ! Where The Fuck Have YOU Been?

  1. Great post CT! Your mind is in overdrive and I’m cruising along with you.
    Hey just out of curiousity I wonder if Jesus has a father named Jose and a mother named Maria?
    That would be the real clincher.

  2. Roosevelt High is filled with some colorful characters but like most high schools, it can be very grey, hence the use of those lyrics.

    Yup, MDC, that’s one of their many great songs. Dave Dictor led Millions of Dead Cops, an in your fuckin face political punk band yelping about gay rights, police brutality, etc! During the early Reagan era!! In Texas!! That’s pretty hardcore.

    Hey, this jesus guy gets his birthday celebrated, then his death is mourned/celebrated, then he gets another birthday? That’s pretty hardcore, too. Plus, he had long hair like Ozzy. That’s a bonus.

    A half-naked, long-haired rebel and gay-friendly, anti-capitalist hardcore punk rock? What else comes to my mind but easter.

    Mr. DQ,

    I think there may have been a Peter or John in the classroom, so who knows?

  3. and ditto on the MDC, El Chavo and CT; great band in their heyday. I saw them at Santa Monica College—in that little recessed theatre—in the middle of the day during a weekday, I think, or perhaps a Sunday. In any case, I think there were 20 people there. Odd in most every way. Still one of my favourite CA hardcore bands of all time.

  4. Mr. BusTard,

    I really like stories like that, odd incidents with punk gigs. I can only imagine how the hardcore shows went down in the early 80’s in the Midwest or the South. A few pleasant flashbacks:

    I saw The Melvins on a week night in a Santa Cruz cafeteria, maybe the loudest show I have ever been to.

    Los Crudos in a Diamond Bar park on a Thursday afternoon, to about 20 people! I have the video.

    Excruciating Terror and Huasipungo at that old jail in Lincoln Heights.

    Asko and Huasipungo at a South Gate garage on a Sunday afternoon! I bumped into a former student from RHS.

    Also, a few months ago, Question and Bloody Phoenix, with about 9 people!! in my friend Jerry’s garage, on a Sunday afternoon in Montecito Heights! I’m driving home from “the gig,” it’s about 3 pm, head ringing, smiling, thinking, “did that just happen? fuck, even my teeth hurt! when’s the next one? i’m hungry. is noodle planet open?”

  5. Those are some great stories, CT. Excruciating Terror, eh? Haven’t heard of those guys in some time. (Didn’t they have a guitarist named Jess Pintado?) And the Melvins in a cafeteria? That’s better than Chumbawamba in the Fairfax old Folks home in 1990! I imagine you and I crossed paths once or twice a couplea decades ago, at some show or another.

    So when you gonna post that Los Crudos video, mate?

  6. BLASPHAMY !! Cant believe what they let you get away with . You should be crucified …. but cant wait for the next one! Keep em coming .

  7. RB,

    Excruciating Terror was one of the greatest “grind” bands (I’m sure they hate that label), but often played hardcore shows. Their “Live on KXLU” is incredible. Jerry is one of the coolest guys in the “scene” but the vocalist/band were notorious for violence.

    One particular backyard show in Lynwood was memorable for me
    because Lack of Interest’s vocalist at the time, Trevor, was spinning in a circle on the stage floor like Curly from the 3 Stooges. With a full cast on one arm! While singing! Oh, the memories.

    Actually, the story goes that Dino from Fear Factory/Brujeria was in ET, for like a week. Didn’t have the chops. One ex ET member now happily denies Dino’s claim as a weak attempt from a washed up thrash-metal guitarist shooting for street cred.

    Jesse Pintado was the guitarist in the incredible Terrorizer, Huntington Park’s finest. Their “World Downfall” (1989) is… is… monumental. Drums, yes, the drums. Plus, not one wanking, silly guitar solo! How you like that? He then joined Napalm Death in their boring death metal years. He passed away in 2006.

    Here is Terrorizer’s feel good hit of the summer, “Afterworld Obliteration.” Can’t believe these drums are 20 years old!

    Here are some reviews. At least they recognize the hardcore roots of this metal band.

    Some ain’t wid it, but I was wid em since their demo days.

    English punks in an old folks warehouse, sounds fun.

    You probably right, maybe at some show at Jabberjaws or the Anti-Club or the Hong Kong or Regeneracion or The Vault or, etc.

    As for that Crudos video, I just checked my stash of videos, it isn’t much, but why not, hey? Let me borrow a camera from a friend and upload some stuff soon enough so the world can see what I saw. Nothing short of musical history.

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