VIVA LA REVOLUCION!
–Official Message from Department of Homeboy Security–North Eastern Division, to the Eastside Front
This Latest Communiqué from the Headshopquarters of General Chavo!
→All Troops to Remain on Brown Alert!
- Warm up the Armored Taco Trucks!
- Alert the Fundamentalist Eastside Radical group “The Tacoban†(AL Pastor is Great!)
- Load the Elote Launchers!
- Confirm enemy spy sighting rumors- (Huell Howser)
- Beware of infiltration by over-rated Westside Street art! (Shepard Fairy)
- Lindsay Lohan sightings
- Confirm rumors that someone has asked if the Tortilla Chips are “Organic” at El Mercado on First Street.
- Aprehend any persons working on their Laptops while sitting in the patio at “El Tepeyac“
In case of enemy invasion=retreat to the secret caves located in the Montebello & Rose Hills! General Chavo is to be Frozen Cryogenetically as a Giant Paleta de Nués to be thawed out at a future date!
Please Report immediately to command post if you observe any of the following suspicious activities taking place in the Eastside!:
- Increased number of Dog Walkers on the Eastside and purebred doggy poop landmines
- Sightings of baby strollers costing more than $9.99
- 2 year olds wearing designer Dr. Marten’s shoes
- Ask for Identification of anyone wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt
- The opening of one-word named boutiques
- Be suspicious of anything with the faux distressed look (highly redundant to E.L.A.)
- If you are captured, eat this message cooked in a spicy Mole Poblano Sauce!—End Message—
Alright, who agrees to write this message out?
And in case we need to take out the bridges to stop the advance, somebody make sure that we can all swim across the river. Oh, wait…
simon comandante!!!
I will be stationed in the secret caves of Happy Valley and surveying El Sereno, CT, BH and the Cinco Puntos looking for any asymetrical haircut, chain smoking, hung over, under tanned flacos that do not respond to ‘Hey Tio!’
I got my shopping carts fully loaded and ready to advance at backfires notice. Should aerial counterattacks appear I have enough xtra large somberos and para aquas to hand out for operation confundir los ‘fundillos.
over and out
SOS! SOS! Just alerted by messenger pidgeon stationed under the No. Broadway Bridge that a Beemer carrying a 30 something trust fund baby, wearing an Abercrombie and Fitch T shirt, a kiln in the trunk, and a mean ass wiennie dog riding shotgun was advancing on Lincoln Hts.
Suspicion is that this is an advance scout priced out of the Second St. Art’s District (formerly Little Tokyo).
Aqui Esperamos sus ordenes
Digame General Chavo when do the Adelita’s arrive?
Where do we take the captured? El hoyo?
I’ll be a spy in enemy territory.
Other signs the gentrifiers are moving in.
You have to add lost stupid little dog posters in COLOR, with a list of medication the stupid dog is on in addition to notifying you that it is allergic to peanut butter, wheat and the world in general.
Oh maybe that’s their kids? Dog, kid they don’t really view it as a difference.
Capitan, I’m afraid that I have to confess, I’ve been seening all the things you described, specially around Evergreen Cemetery and I haven’t done anything about it. In fact, instead of trying to drive them away, I’ve been having conversations with them and I even came close to setting up a play date with our dogs. I’m a horrible soldado !!
But I am willing to redeem myself. Ayuden me por favor !!!
Comandante,
El Peleton de WatchOurCity Punto Com is ready to join the forces of la revolucion blogera.
This Peloton (platoon in Spanish and French) of well trained blogero guerrillas hides out mostly in the hinterland territories south of East L.A. down Soto Street, known as Huntington Park, Maywood, Bell and Cudahy. We deploy our tactics only when necessary, but have been at it since 2004.
We also bring a secret weapon with us; a proto-bloguero that served alongside Pancho Villa (log on to WatchOurCity punto com for a reconaissance pic).
El Editor,
WatchOurCity punto com)
Dude, I saw all that years ago when I’d grab coffee at the old Homegirl Cafe.
Their coffee was worth it.
anyway, this sounds like a bit out of “Stuff White People Like.” Although it always escaped me why “blogs” isn’t on that SWPL list.
“Digame General Chavo when do the Adelita’s arrive?”
shhh, we have gone undercover. i raided my abuelita’s closet, mismatched all my clothes and had the neighborhood mocosos give me a haircut with their safety scissors. i walk the streets of silver lake undetected.
in order to overhear enemy chatter, i’m giving a $500 a person workshop at machine gallery on how to make tamales (secret messages contained within and smuggled to the eastside frontlines).
South Gate here, ready to use the Alameda Corridor as a deterrent from any incursions. Can also lead all those visitors to the nearest rail lines they love so much, the Blue and Green Lines. Ready to help them get from their young, I-want-to-live-in-an-urban-area-and-explore-the-city mode into I-just-want-to-live-in-the-suburbs mode via two ways:
1. Move them into Watts, Florence-Graham, or Florence-Firestone.
2. Allowing them use to Firestone to get their asses to Downey and beyond.
* * *
Hey, walking dogs is not a bad thing… Carrying dogs is horrible.
* * *
Don’t we sound… a bit Klanish?
“Don’t we sound… a bit Klanish?”
Callate Soledadenmasa! Are you waffling or doubting the causa? Are you falling under the spell of the ruling class’s and the old “divide and conquer” tactic?
Are you a working class hero or petit bourgeois defender?
Do you want us to lose the LA Eastside to the Gentrimanderers and their private schools, doggy parks, Art Galleries full of giant Rubik cubes and larger than life plastic Dalmatian Pointers?
Do you want us all to end up in those far flung colony’s of suburbia where all the life force is sucked out of us and we become homogenized and marginalized, resembling the very tract houses we would live in, places in the boonies named after French or Italian wines (Chardonnay, Chianti, Muscatel or Mogen David?).
Do you want to end up in, God Forbid, Moreno Valley or Victorville? Maybe spend your Saturdays kicking tumbleweeds out of your back yard in Ahhhhhhhh! Lancaster?
Now suck it up and get back to the front lines or it’ll be “Up against the wall, and, would you prefer a blindfold?”
To the barricades!
Fusilenlo!
This alert just in! The Kogi Korean BBQ Truck was seen advancing on the Eastside to go HEAD-ON with the Cemitas Poblanas Truck! That Kogi Truck is also being closely followed by it’s TWITTERED TROOPS! High Alert on the Macy St. Bridge!
I love the idea of Huell Howser as reconaissance scout, but don’t think yuppie babies have been wearing doc martens since like 1995.
Comandante, a fleet of “partially” restored early ’60s cars and various punk rebeldes are ready to spread backyard chicken coops, bright colors, and DIY CDs across the river. I have seen the rifles protruding from the tastefully stained horizontal fence planks of Silver Lake Boulevard, and I am not afraid!
Class warfare is awesome.
Report from Adelita-lu on the Westside: fleet of Prius’ sighted traveling east on the 10.
Nos Lleva la…..!
Here’s another dead give-away to spot the enemy:
It’s 90 degrees here and they’re outdoors wearing Peruvian knit flap caps, zipped up hoodies and UGG boots!!!
Mi General, the Mariachi paratroopers are ready to be dropped on the unsuspecting enemy below and the menudo ladies have their menudo buckets filled and at hand, ready to be splashed into those nice smelling leather interiors of approaching Lexus’s and BMW’s. We will fire smash mouth soccer balls on their pets. We will lock phasers on their suegras.
We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight on the bridges, We shall fight on the streets, We shall fight in the fields and in the hills; We shall never surrender.
But we do want an hour for lunch each day OK.
Drinking with Tony
“Report from Adelita-lu on the Westside: fleet of Prius’ sighted traveling east on the 10.”
That’s OK, They will be met at the off ramps by Banda musicians, that should turn them around immediately. Also the charro cavalry is massing at Fourth and Soto to counter charge the Prius’s and joggers coming over the bridge.
UPDATE: Because of popular request, all the menudo ladies have agreed to set aside enough menudo for tomorrows breakfast.
Drinking with Tony
This is Big Thumps reporting from command post 13 along the Rio Hondo River in Mota err.. I mean Montebello…
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3452/3195008241_2cae4f7d44_m.jpg
Keep trucha carnales! We’re being attacked from both sides! The chuppies in the Friendly Hills area of Whittier have formed an alliance with the employees of Trader Joe’s & have launched rockets loaded with hummus & pita chips at our bases!
In the mean time we have taken over the Walmart in Pico Rivera & rebranded it as our own!
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3092/3186991084_c72a23046e_m.jpg
Immediately, all paletero’s and their carts will be converted into and used as defensive forces, thwarting yuppie encroachment and movement via the old popsicle stick poke in the eyes thing.
Drinking with Tony
Prepare to be assimilated, cholito!
reporting from sector “up in smoke.” still no mandarin amongst the yellow.
kogi korean bbq is sympathetic to our cause. they are retreating from the front lines. no need for alarm unless you see metal chopsticks, repeat, metal chopsticks.
The Paleteros Preparing to Pound Pasadeneans in Prius With Petrified Paletas Platoon is prepared!
I just woke up from a nightmare that I was buying my Bolillos & Teleras from the Eastside branch of La Brea Bakery, and I was eating some of Wolfgang Puck’s Duck Chorizo! AAyyy!!!
News from the front lines:
The super spy from the Eastside, LH Battalion, “Lil Winito” aka “Eddie Huevos”, has chisme that could be a sign of the Gentrimanderer intention of using chemical weapons in the battle for the Eastside.
Lil Winito was in the Food 4 Less Mkt on Ave 50 and Figueroa, on a intel gathering mission, (and to drink a short dog of Tokyo he liberated from the shelf), so while he was heading to the mens room to drink his free pisto he spotted the two undercover agents in the natural grains and cereals aisle.
Lil Winito spotted them as Gentrimanderers immediately, because they were a man and a woman both in enemy uniform (those Tibetan hats with the floppy ear chingadera’s, North Face Polar Fleece jackets, REI standard mountain climbing pants and boots, even though it was eighty degrees in HP).
Also a tip off was the loud conversation both were having with the two year old baby, who was in one of those baby carriers that are always strapped onto the male Gentrimanderers chest.
So anyway, Lil Winito on the sly pretended he was reading the ingredients of the Coco Crisp cereal box and overheard the evil plan to introduce chemical warfare into the batalla for the Eastside.
Even though the baby was drooling and incoherent the parents spoke to it so loudly that everyone in the store paid attention to them.
“Tyler, you know that Frosted Flakes is a NO NO! My God just read the ingredients! Sugar, salt, Canola oil, artificial flavor, artificial color, BHT preservative, my God! It’s chemical warfare!”
Then Lil Winito heard the female agent in an even louder more shrill voice, “Tyler, pay attention! Look, Cholesterol, Sodium, Polyunsaturated Fat, Palmitate, Pyridoxine Hydrochoride! It’s chemical warfare for God’s sake Tyler!”
Even though the baby in the chest carrier kept drooling the Gentrimanderer parents kept shouting hysterically and looking around for approval from the Eastside shoppers who just kept shaking their heads and rolling their eyes.
Lil Winito knew de voladas that it was top secret chemical warfare plans by these invaders. I gave him two beers and a Slim Jim for his heroics in the field.
Col don quixote, 1-14-2009 08:30 hour
Mi General, also discovered this secret Internet website intelligence from the Gentrimanderers who are now rating our Eastside services like the Food 4 Less Mkt in Highland Park.
This below from a self proclaimed “huera” named lemon drop.
Chilling!
……………………………………..
1 star rating11/26/2008
Aw Man! EFFF THIS PLACE!
I’m not going to lie, I shop here all the time!
I shop here regularly because its the closest full grocery store and I am an absent minded dumbo. So I go to Trader Joes or Vons, then when I’m making dinner I realize I didn’t get somthing. Or I drank all the wine …they have a horrible wine selection by the way. The worst I’ve ever seen.
The meat section is weird -not to mention damn smelly -but it seems like they only carry a few different cuts of meat. You will never see a T bone or ribeye.
Anyway, convenience is king, like I say.
But, here are some of the INconveniences I experience here when I make the mistake, yet again, of shopping here:
An insane circus of a parking lot with vendors selling stolen or bootleged crap -I guess that could be a convenience for some, I just find it annoying, and somtimes scary.
A pretty damn rude staff -especially if you’re a guerita like me. They chat up the senora in line behind you while they tally your stuff.
I also had one bark an order at me to put my basket a certain place last time “that’s where it goes” she sniffed. Funny, because I always have to hunt down one of the damn things.
I really don’t like surely employees.
This is going to run long. Na, I’ll make it short and concise with the health code violations I’ve witnessed. That’s a good summary.
-Rotten chicken, EWWW and not a trace of an apology when I returned it absloutely livid.
-Flies buzzing around trapped in the bread thing -EWWW!
-a pidgeon flying around in the rafters.
-a cockroach scurying out of a bag. Oh God.
So yeah, I’m usually pretty cranky when I find myself in this dump. I have to be crazy. Or the barrio is making me tough.
On the serious tip I actually did see some hueros at the food for less on 1st for the first time in my life last week. They looked a little PWT until I smelled patchoulli on them. I asked them if they were from around here and they paused in fear for a second and then giggled realizing I was not threatening them.
I should have taken their scalps (aka purse and wallet). I have a platoon of kids from 1st st elem. ready to bomb them with old naranjas and a squad of TMC guerrillas paid (with an eighteener) to disembowel the stray leftovers.
We need to reach our soldados still in the occupied zone, anyone got fams from EXP, Daimond or Temple13?
I know a lot of them old timers Art and they have been batallando dia y noche contra los Gentrimanderers who destroyed or are in the process of destroying the old varrios on Diamond St. Court St (Bunker Hill), Alpine, and ExP. Palo Verde,(Chavez Ravine), don’t even mention it. Still holding it down in La Loma (Solano Ave)though but the Gentrimanderers have lately been using misiles de jando with a very deadly, anti civilian, anti single family housing, strategic result.
Speaking of Super Markets, “El Super” by Los 5 Puntos is under seige, being circled by the Prius patrol demanding a “Whole Foods Store” there!
We’ve lost St. Vincent DePaul Thrift Store in Lincoln Hts! It’s now full of Yentas from 3rd & Robertson! God have mercy!
We’ve lost St. Vincent DePaul Thrift Store in Lincoln Hts! It’s now full of Yentas from 3rd and Robertson! God have mercy!
Reports from the front sent by General Cojones Del Toro:
EL SUPER at Los 5 Puntos is under seige! enemy forces are demanding a Whole Foods Market!
And Paletero Martyrs are reported driving their carts into PINKBERRY’S!
Comandate,
El peloton de WatchOurCity punto com with recoissance data from Huntington Park:
Our agents are numerous and sympathisers to la causa are growing.
The elite eloteros unit are excellent foot soldiers.
Quinceanera shops provide ample storefront evidence of moral support.
The Alameda swapmeeteros commando platoon reports complete control along most of the Alameda Corridor from Vernon to Lynwood.
There is concern, however, about a breach in the defenses at Gage and Alameda with the BMW dealership. The elite elotero units are in constant contact with our sub-rosa agents, the European trained mecanicos at Alexander BMW. We are on daily tactical alert.
Along Pacific Blvd., propaganda efforts are increasing converts to our side with el Piolin providing air bombardments daily, keeping the citizenry alert.
We also have solid support from our foreign sympathiser contingency, mostly Koreans and Middle Eastern shopkeepers, who provide daily propaganda vehicles for our cause by playing Que Buena and El Cuqui in their stores.
More dispatches to come,
El Editor, WatchOurCity punto com
Mi General Chavo,
A humble request: we need uniforms. I suggest Fallas Paredes, ahi por la Pacific, across from the Warner Theater. Quality uniforms that last years and they have the abilities to produce more uniformes than we need.
Con todo respeto, mi estimado Editor, usté está zafado de la mente. Alexander BMW does not pose a credible threat — they don’t advertise. Además, they sell their cars to the young plebes at El Parral, Lido’s, El Potrero, Leonardo’s, and the now-defunct El Farallón (pours a Tecate en memoriam). We can use those cars to preemptively attack the Westside without attracting attention. Without them, all we have are 1986 Datsuns or trocas.
For provisions, we have the best of locations in the Southeast: Northgate, Super A, and El Super to provide enough carnitas pa’ los soldados. In addition, Maloney Meats provides with codornices.
Give me the word and South Gate rises from it’s slumber!
Long live Sur Gate!
Comandante,
El Editor agrees with soledadenmasa. Working for La Revolucion is not risk-free.
As sub-rosa guerilla commandos from the southern territories of HP and South Gate, we have both been exposed to some nuclear political fallout. Even our chimichangas are tainted. And you are seeing the side effects already. Exposure to this fallout does render one un poco safado.
However, it is a tactical mistake to consider those BMW’s as targets for appropriation by the revolution. first, they are costly to operate and maintain and replacement parts are shipped from overseas, thus, creating a weakness in the supply lines.
The southern territories have plenty of used car lots on Firestone Blvd. which can serve the purpose of la revolucion just as well, with Chevy’s that any elite elotero unit can fix on the spot with parts from our well-protected supply lines located deep within our territories such as Pep Boys and Auto Zone.
Additionally, our car windshield replacement agents and Llanteros along the Alameda corridor are dedicated to our cause and can mobilize their platoons within 15 minutes waiting time on any Chevy or Ford. It takes them two hours to mobilize for the Beemers which would complicate any battlefield logistics, sometimes requiring travel to enemy territory for the replacemtents.
Where SoledadenMasa does have a point is with the Mini-Coopers at Alexander BMW. These do not pose logistics difficulties and, in fact, are tactical assets on the battle field.
El Editor,
WatchOurCity punto com
Last night in Highland Park, I overheard an older (working class) White lady and a younger (working class) Japanese-American guy complaining about how Mr T’s got ruined by the “Silver Lakers” and how they turned their back on their old-time clientele. They were saying how they didn’t like feeling excluded from the neighborhood they grew up in, in order to make room for people with more money.
Just a small example of how gentrification is essentially about class and not so much about race.
Editor,
Very well, we shall plunder Firestone of the used-car lots (finally) and acquire our autos from Llovio Ford, Sopp Chevrolet, and Gonzales Chrysler to ensure our parts are cheap and easily replaceable. I suggest Ford because there’s an all-Ford jonke on Alameda & I forget what street.
We can always ask La Doña Junta to pick up some parts at Pick-Your-Parts in Wilmas.
Commandante,
Even a guerilla revolucion requires some investment in high tech military and tactical equipment for faster ways to get provisions to the front lines.
We have designed a mobile taco command unit to feed our fast moving troops. Our idea is to convert a paletero’s carreta into a taco warming unit, complete with attachments for carne al pastor, holders for tres salsas and tortilla warmers on the side, all in diamond shaped stainless steel so the health dept doesn’t mess with us.
A prototype of the mobile taco command unit is being assembled by Sub-Comandante Tech Quila in his auto repair shop which he has retooled for war-time use. He used to install hydraulics on chevy lowriders, so he knows his stuff.
I admit that the only tech part of it is the secret compartment on the underside which slides open with the push of a button revealing a cache of bottles containing the spirits of the revolution aged in Oak barrels from Jalisco.
El Editor,
WatchOurCity punto com
green light on poodles!