Surviving La Crisis: Survival Tips from La Tia Concha
Queubo Mijos! Long time, No Stabby!
Iâ€™ve been away in the PÃnta (where those fools didnâ€™t let me Blog!) but now Iâ€™m back, only to find all of this Economic Desmadre! I know a lot of us may be going through some Hard Times right now, so Iâ€™m going to give out some free advice on not only how to SURVIVE this Crisis, but hopefully to keep you all out of any Fiscal Pedo in the future.
The way I see it, when youâ€™re down & out, there are 4 stages you can be at:
1.Â Â Â Jodido
2.Â Â Â Bien Jodido
3.Â Â Â â€˜Pa la Fregada
4.Â Â Â â€˜Pa La Chingada
Letâ€™s start with the simple â€œJodidoâ€ stage. Struggling to get along day to day and barely making it. Most of us are in this state perpetually, Crisis or No Crisis. We donâ€™t know what were missing because we never had it, so actually were already ahead of the game, Que No?Â â€œBien Jodidoâ€, is the same thing only worse, like â€œDonâ€™t ask me for any money right now, and by the way, whereâ€™s that 3 dollars you owe me, Cabron?â€ â€œâ€˜Pa La Fregadaâ€ means pretty near hopeless like: â€œMy kidâ€™s get free lunch at school, so I tell them to bring some of it home for dinner. And, by adding more & more water, I can make a bottle of Sunny Delight last about 3 months.â€ Being â€œPa La Chingadaâ€ is straight out Rock Bottom. Itâ€™s like: â€œHey-I saw your mom walking down the street with one shoe, I said, “Hey, you lost a shoe.” and she said, “No, I found one.”
It doesnâ€™t have to be this way people, just do a little more planning with how you spend and how you earn your Feria. Sometimes it seems to me that there is an entire sector of our economy that exists solely from people who like to spend their money stupidly. If some people had as much Sesos as they had money, all of Beverly Hills would shut down De Volada! But hey- if you wanna be all â€˜Hi-toneâ€ no matter what, then stop reading this now and go buy yourself a Gold Plated Hummer. Be my guest. So, Hereâ€™s Tia Conchaâ€™s tips to try and help you all through â€œLa Crisisâ€:
- Go to those â€œAll-You-Can-Puedes-Tragarâ€ buffet restaurants and bring some TupperwareÂ with you!
- If youâ€™re eating out, stick to the â€œValue Menusâ€. BYO drinks.
- In supermarkets, way in the back near the bathrooms, they usually have a little discount rack with all the used bread and shit. Itâ€™s real cheap ese. Try it.
- Forget about Starbucks, get your Coffee at Micky Dâ€™s instead.
- Grow your own
- Shop at 99c Only Stores
- Go to Happy Hours. Eat all the free â€œBotanasâ€ you can
Jack the Pizza delivery man
- Use Coupons, the Downtown News has coupons every week for FREE cups of Coffee at Famima, use them!
- Free Food Samples: Get some at Ralphâ€™s, Trader Joeâ€™s, Costcoâ€™s, Baskin Robbins, wherever theyâ€™re giving away free shit, be there.
- Go to ArtÂ Gallery openings. Score on all that free cheese, wine & crackers. Pretend you love the art for a few minutes.
- Go to public meetings. Help yourself to the refreshments but be Desimulado about it
- Buy your clothes at the Thrift Store. Especially kidâ€™s clothes. I find kids stuff from Nordstroms with the tags still on them for just $1.99 each at my favorite â€œSegundaâ€ all the time.
- Whenever you go out to a nightclub or a concert, get your drink on from the Liquor Store beforehand. DONâ€™T buy drinks at the venue, sneak them in. No seas Pendejo. And try to get on the guest list whenever possible
- Use your AAA, Senior Citizen and Student discounts whenever possible
- Sell your shit on Ebay. Better yet, find cool stuff at the Thrift Store and sell it on Ebay
- Have a Yard Sale, like every weekend
- Digitize all of your music, put it on your hard drive or on your iGuey, and sell your vinyl & cdâ€™s at Amoeba. Also sell any DVDâ€™s you donâ€™t want. (any cochino ones, Iâ€™ll buy them off you de volada)
- Give people haircuts at your crib. Mucho mejor if you have â€œThe FlowBeeâ€
- Babysit peopleâ€™s brats for them
- Start a Dog Walking Service (this wonâ€™t work on the Eastside though)
- Donâ€™t go out to theaters to see movies. Go get your â€œMEXFLIXâ€ for $5 down the street and invite the whole barrio to come over and watch and charge that chusma a quarter each! Sell popcorn tambien.
- Donâ€™t buy Kitty Litter for your Cat Box. Use the L.A. Weekly or CityBeat.
During the Holidays, sing: â€œIâ€™m dreaming of a TIGHT Christmasâ€Â
Remember, your Tia Concha is here to give all the valuable advice you may need about Life, Love and Tranzas. Send any questions, comments or Chismes to:
email@example.com and donâ€™t be strangers at www.myspace/tiaconcha
Al Rato Vatos!