SURVIVING “LA CRISIS”: Tips from LA TIA CONCHA

Surviving La Crisis: Survival Tips from La Tia Concha
Queubo Mijos! Long time, No Stabby!
I’ve been away in the Pínta (where those fools didn’t let me Blog!) but now I’m back, only to find all of this Economic Desmadre! I know a lot of us may be going through some Hard Times right now, so I’m going to give out some free advice on not only how to SURVIVE this Crisis, but hopefully to keep you all out of any Fiscal Pedo in the future.
The way I see it, when you’re down & out, there are 4 stages you can be at:
1.    Jodido
2.    Bien Jodido
3.    ‘Pa la Fregada
4.    ‘Pa La Chingada
Let’s start with the simple “Jodido” stage. Struggling to get along day to day and barely making it. Most of us are in this state perpetually, Crisis or No Crisis. We don’t know what were missing because we never had it, so actually were already ahead of the game, Que No?  “Bien Jodido”, is the same thing only worse, like “Don’t ask me for any money right now, and by the way, where’s that 3 dollars you owe me, Cabron?” “‘Pa La Fregada” means pretty near hopeless like: “My kid’s get free lunch at school, so I tell them to bring some of it home for dinner. And, by adding more & more water, I can make a bottle of Sunny Delight last about 3 months.” Being “Pa La Chingada” is straight out Rock Bottom. It’s like: “Hey-I saw your mom walking down the street with one shoe, I said, “Hey, you lost a shoe.” and she said, “No, I found one.”
It doesn’t have to be this way people, just do a little more planning with how you spend and how you earn your Feria. Sometimes it seems to me that there is an entire sector of our economy that exists solely from people who like to spend their money stupidly. If some people had as much Sesos as they had money, all of Beverly Hills would shut down De Volada! But hey- if you wanna be all ‘Hi-tone” no matter what, then stop reading this now and go buy yourself a Gold Plated Hummer. Be my guest. So, Here’s Tia Concha’s tips to try and help you all through “La Crisis”:

  • Go to those “All-You-Can-Puedes-Tragar” buffet restaurants and bring some Tupperware with you!
  • If you’re eating out, stick to the “Value Menus”. BYO drinks.
  • In supermarkets, way in the back near the bathrooms, they usually have a little discount rack with all the used bread and shit. It’s real cheap ese. Try it.
  • Forget about Starbucks, get your Coffee at Micky D’s instead.
  • Grow your own
  • Shop at 99c Only Stores
  • Go to Happy Hours. Eat all the free “Botanas” you can
  • Jack the Pizza delivery man
  • Use Coupons, the Downtown News has coupons every week for FREE cups of Coffee at Famima, use them!
  • Free Food Samples: Get some at Ralph’s, Trader Joe’s, Costco’s, Baskin Robbins, wherever they’re giving away free shit, be there.
  • Go to Art  Gallery openings. Score on all that free cheese, wine & crackers. Pretend you love the art for a few minutes.
  • Go to public meetings. Help yourself to the refreshments but be Desimulado about it
  • Buy your clothes at the Thrift Store. Especially kid’s clothes. I find kids stuff from Nordstroms with the tags still on them for just $1.99 each at my favorite “Segunda” all the time.
  • Whenever you go out to a nightclub or a concert, get your drink on from the Liquor Store beforehand. DON’T buy drinks at the venue, sneak them in. No seas Pendejo. And try to get on the guest list whenever possible
  • Use your AAA, Senior Citizen and Student discounts whenever possible
  • Sell your shit on Ebay. Better yet, find cool stuff at the Thrift Store and sell it on Ebay
  • Have a Yard Sale, like every weekend
  • Digitize all of your music, put it on your hard drive or on your iGuey, and sell your vinyl & cd’s at Amoeba. Also sell any DVD’s you don’t want. (any cochino ones, I’ll buy them off you de volada)
  • Give people haircuts at your crib. Mucho mejor if you have “The FlowBee”
  • Babysit people’s brats for them
  • Start a Dog Walking Service (this won’t work on the Eastside though)
  • Don’t go out to theaters to see movies. Go get your “MEXFLIX” for $5 down the street and invite the whole barrio to come over and watch and charge that chusma a quarter each! Sell popcorn tambien.
  • Don’t buy Kitty Litter for your Cat Box. Use the L.A. Weekly or CityBeat.

During the Holidays, sing: “I’m dreaming of a TIGHT Christmas” 

Remember, your Tia Concha is here to give all the valuable advice you may need about Life, Love and Tranzas. Send any questions, comments or Chismes to:
latiaconcha@gmail.com and don’t be strangers at www.myspace/tiaconcha
Al Rato Vatos!

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About AlDesmadre

Al Guerrero, Artist/Humorist. Los Angeles, CA. Born in Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico and raised in East Los Angeles from the age of two, Al Guerrero grew up just steps from the famous Chicano strip, Whittier Boulevard. His youth experiences include witnessing and participating in the 1970 Chicano Power demonstrations, cruising cars on Whittier Boulevard, and graduating from Garfield High School. After dropping out of UCLA (with honors), he drew upon his lifelong passion for art and cartooning and pursued a career in graphic arts. During this period, he traveled overseas and found artistic inspiration from the masterworks he discovered within the European Art Museums. His career blossomed when he was eventually hired by the Walt Disney Company in 1995, where he worked as a creative artist for a number of years. Although the artistic work was rewarding, he eventually grew weary & disillusioned with the bureaucracy of the entertainment business, and left to work briefly in the educational field. His credits include producing a feature film with actor, Conrad Brooks of Ed Wood fame, founding and performing with the Punk Rock group “The Psychocats” at numerous L.A. & Hollywood venues during the 1990’s, and in 1999 he founded and created a hell-bent puppet cabaret show aptly named: “The Puppets from Hell”. As a long time active member of the Los Angeles Cacophony Society, Al “Quaeda”, as he was known, was involved in countless Cacophony Society pranks and events throughout the city. He also produced the “Incredibly Strange Cinema” cult film series as well as themed events such as the now infamous “Pornothon Movie Nights” and the satirical “Mexican Night: Noche De Tequila & Putas” shows at local nightclub venues. Throughout his art career, he has exhibited his canvas paintings at various local galleries, and has also written & illustrated numerous comic strips and Graphic Novel stories. Today, he lives in Silver Lake, California and works as a freelance artist and writer with numerous multi-media projects under his belt and in the works. His personal hobbies include collecting vintage toys and comic books, cinema history and Los Angeles City history. Contact: alguerrero@earthlink.net Al Guerrero P.O. Box 29697 Los Angeles, CA 90029-0697 www.alguerrero.com Myspace.com/thepuppetsfromhell

7 thoughts on “SURVIVING “LA CRISIS”: Tips from LA TIA CONCHA

  1. “I’m dreaming of a TIGHT Christmas” sounds like a porno film Tia Concha.

  2. “grow your own”

    Jajaja! Here’s another tip on that one: find the cheap clubs in the Valley/Westside, buy a gripa and make $20 off each sack from your friends and relatives, especially your fat ex hippy tia who took one at the moratorium. Oh yeah and pack them instead of rolling.

    – Thick sandwich baggies are logisitcally better than tupperware at buffets, just have a purse or bag with you to avoid poppage. And bringing an Asian friend will avoid monitoring by staff.
    – Albertson’s instant coffee aint half bad, is quick and easy and cheap
    -Free torrent downloads get you free movies off the internet, how is it still legal?
    -Buy MTA passes off the paisano lingering around the station for cheaper
    -Dollar tree rules if you live alone, as well as the real 99 cents store

    Thanks Tia for the firme post, yor fuckin fine aye. Cant a thug holla? (Pulls lokes from forehead to behind ears to denote seriousness)

  3. What if you’re one of those “pa la chingada, este fregado jodido este pero rete-bien jodidio”? Will they even let you in to a buffet place?

    Drinking in the car before going into a club/show is practically a required skill, we ought to form a club!

  4. Dorit- I’m not even gonna go there, you damn freak.
    Art- ‘Stas Cabron! All your tips are the bomb ese. Thanks for the compliments, we’ll have to hook up sometime and party with some yerba buena!
    Chavo-Don’t tell anyone but at Souplantation you can walk in all cool, get your plate,
    fill it up and then back up the way you came. Then go eat in your car, turn on some Oldies and bust out your 40. I’ve done it lots of times homes. By the way, I’m starting a Car Club if anyone wants to join up. I’ve got one of those handicap tags so I can park it anywhere.
    c/s

  5. Would eating your cereal with water instead of milk qualify you for “pa’la fregada”?

    I prefer Nescafé for instant coffee. Pretty strong and tastes ok.

    I remember when I was in college, they used to sell fresh orange juice for an arm and a leg — I would fill the huge cup 90% with the real oj, and then top it off with orange whip. Got charged 1/3 the price of the real orange juice.

  6. You can also get some “tacos corridos” at the taqueros that let you eat first and charge you after… you eat your tacos y a correr…

  7. Another tip: for free internet and wireless use the libraries. You can sit there all day for free using a laptop or use the library computers to watch whatever you want including porn (it’s legal!) Oh, and you can also read books but yeah, whatever.

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