La Crisis: Your “eccentric” and “stylish” options.

I had written this serious post about crap you already know. Coupons, going back to school, roommates, moving back in with your parents and then I thought of something. We’re in La La Land.

Image is EVERYTHING!!!

This is why so many of us get in a hole in the first place, so I decided to give you advice on how to survive economic harsh times, yet keep your rep firmly in place. Being eccentric and bat-shit crazy always sounds better on paper than just poor.

If you are going down the economic ladder, do it with insane style!!!

One thing you can do is join a cult. Cults are always accepting new members. And many cults have a crash pad. When you have no money you isolate yourself from your friends and family anyway, so you’re ripe for a cult. Yeah you might have to do animal sacrifices, but if you aren’t a vegetarian this won’t be a problem and also there are animal friendly cults that just sacrifice people, though those kinds of cults are harder to find. With a little bit of research you can parrot all kinds of things that seem crazy, but it’s room and board and maybe a little gardening. If you’ve ever done time in the Catholic church with the Holy Water, Ash Wednesdays, child molestations and weird costumes how much of a stretch is this really? Just remember to not drink the Kool-Aid, because all of that alien stuff is kind of like all that heaven stuff in Christianity.

Cult leader Mart Otis in Los Angeles, 1929

Mary Otis cult leader in Los Angeles in 1929. Image from UCLA Digital.

Another thing you can do is get arrested. Lots of famous people have done jail time, people like James Ellroy, Tim Allen, Malcolm X and even Martha Stewart and you know what? They all did ok. In jail you get three squares a day. You can also dabble in same sex relationships. It’ll be just like college. Remember lesbian until graduation? You can experience that all over again. A jail cell is about the size of a dorm room. I think they even have drugs and intra-mural sports in jail.  In addition to the social components of jail you also get health and dental care (so in some ways better than college,) but the most important thing you get is street cred and good stories. That’s priceless. That’s something you won’t get moving back in with mom or dad. And in California if you get convicted of a felony after you have served your probation you can still vote. That’s pretty important, so go out there and rob some people. Don’t kill anyone. You don’t want to be a senior citizen when you get out. Being old is not glamorous.

Now say the cult and jail thing are a bit too hardcore, that’s ok. I am all about giving you various bat-shit crazy options. There is always the green thing. Yes, you can be green. You can sell your car and all of your earthly possessions or rather say you did, because actually all of your stuff got repossessed and say you’ve found a new path. Your minimal lifestyle won’t look poor; it will look eco!!! You can take up insane cycling, become vegan and only subsist on humanely prepared birdseeds. Yum!!!  And sounds very healthful, doesn’t matter if it is healthful. The only thing that matters is what it looks like. Chances are you will end up looking anorexic, which signifies to anyone in LA that you’re not poor, but a person who possibly has a firmly rooted in the middle class disease. All the better, being mentally unhealthy is a positive quality in Los Angeles. I suggest all of you newbies develop some kind of interesting neurosis all kinds of networking opportunities will pop up. By the time this economic crisis ends you’ll be ready to rejoin the darkly lit bar scene with a new appreciation and you’ll be able to be self-righteous. “I went on this personal journey and reflected on blah, blah, blah…” In LA being self-righteous is a requirement for hanging with the pseudo progressive assholes that hold the key to all kinds of business opportunities. In addition when the smoke clears you also have the option of opening a yoga or pilates studio. That’s what everyone who gets fired and goes on a personal journey and can’t get back into the thing they really want to do when they moved to LA from the middle of hell does.

Being green is a great money saving option.

Being green is a great money saving option.

H/T to Bearsnecessity for the image.

Whoring yourself out is another option. Are you young? Do you look young? Are you amoral? Great, being young is more important than being attractive. And being amoral is a requirement for detached sex for money. If you find yourself young and in dire straits and without the burden of a puritanical moral compass find yourself a sugar daddy or sugar mama. Times are never hard for rich people and rich people (men in particular) love paying for young people to have sex with. Their significant others no longer want them touching them, because in general the kind of person that marries a rich person only cares about the money. Sex is hard when you are taking large amounts of medication for the many mental disorders you tend to catch when you are rich. This is a boon for the young, desperate and amoral. Find an older person with money, make them feel important and they will give you money. And if you are friendly, positive and naked enough, you have a pretty good chance at getting a free apartment out of it. Usually a pretty nice one. Of course to a rich person the place may be a dump, but to you a cute free apartment in Hollywood is a mansion. Don’t get all philosophical about it. Keep in mind this is a job and that the deal can end at any time and you will get old. I suggest if you take this path you ask to borrow large amounts of money and put it into a saving account or use it to start some kind of small business or a cult. Oh and this probably would be a great thing to blog.

I hope this helps. Being poor doesn’t have to suck if you give it the right spin. Hell, being poor doesn’t even have to be poor it can just be a lifestyle choice. People like throwing that choice word around, so my use of it is entirely appropriate.

by Browne Molyneux

This entry was posted in East Los, Eastside, Greater Los Angeles, La Crisis, Uncategorized and tagged , , , by Browne Molyneux. Bookmark the permalink.

About Browne Molyneux

My name is Browne Molyneux. I'm a lady. I'm a radical feminist. I'm black. I'm an Angeleno. I'm an artist. I'm carFREE. I'm a freelance writer. I'm a blogger. I'm a philosopher. I'm a humanist. I'm a journalist. I formerly wrote a column on transportation, Tracks for LA City Beat. The above are all of the things I have to work on being, got questions email me. My topics of interests include but are not limited to politics, transportation, dark green issues, economics, race relations, feminism, culture, working class urban life, media, art, Los Angeles and literature.

15 thoughts on “La Crisis: Your “eccentric” and “stylish” options.

  1. Haha, this is hilarious! I can’t tell you how many people I encounter in the Hollywood area that are already putting your plan into action.

    My favorite lines:

    “Hell, being poor doesn’t even have to be poor it can just be a lifestyle choice.”

    “If you are going down the economic ladder, do it with insane style!!!”

  2. Nice one! Though I figure once you get really poor and desperate the jail choice isn’t going to be an option; if you get caught it’ll be mandatory! So use that one last.

  3. “If you are going down the economic ladder, do it with insane style!!!”

    This reminds me of “Falling Down” with Michael Douglas

  4. El Random Hero,

    You don’t sell yourself you self your services. That’s what good whores understand. Now go back out there and let the world know all of your talents!!!


  5. I once knew of some enterprising young ladies who did quite well by advertising and selling their used undergarments to high paying pervs. For the small investment of a pair of drawers they’d wear for 24 hours and putting out the ad, they made good bucks. They’d put a photo of either themselves or some random cute chick they found in the ad and Voila’. Plus, they never had to make any actual contact with their eager clientele. They’d just mail the items out to the buyers.
    (Random Hero- Don’t try this one yourself either)

  6. A friend of mine who was rapidly falling down the economic ladder found herself unable to afford a place to live in New York. She found incredibly cheap housing – “communal living” – as the ad stated, on Craigslist and decided to check the place out. Apparently it was a sex cult.

  7. Vidalia,

    A sex cult combines almost all of my suggestions, except the jail one, which El Chavo said was something you save until last anyway…lol…

    Sex cults are good for practicing yoga. You can always spin that into a Kundalini type of thing. Awakening the snake and all of that “it has nothing to do with sex” but kind of does kind of a thing.


  8. Hey Al, I think they do that in Japan. I’ve seen vending machines sell everything from pokemon to used panties. Course one day I’ll go see it for myself.

    Browne ~ Thanks for the advice. I’ve tried finding a sugar mama to take care of me, but so far no luck either. I guess I’ll have to fall back on my education.

  9. El Random Hero,

    The hedonistic lifestyle is always looking for educated people. I will keep your application on file.


  10. El Random Hero,
    Orale Pues-I’m always looking for new “House Boys”. I’ll be your Sugar-Nana if you have any mad skills as a “Sobador”! Me gustan them SkaterBoys! text me later homes.
    -La Tia Concha #13

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