I was mostly minding my own business out in some other parts of California when I happened upon this sight. Since  I’ve been derided as one of the agents for the Eastside Border Patrol, I decided a quick report on this particular usage of the seemingly precious term was in order. You know, just so they know that we’re still paying attention.

Turns out the magazine that goes by this term doesn’t even care about the location of the LA River, though they might have a few words to say about how their water makes its way to Los Angeles.

I gather that their Eastside starts East of the Sierras. Okay, permission granted.

At least that makes more sense than Echo Park.

Related posts:

1. The Big Move
2. Hands Across The River…
3. A Response Regarding the Eastside “debate”

Hopefully playing at a beach near you sometime soon.

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Say its Administrative Professionals Day and you need to get something for that annoying and loud receptionist at the front desk. You know, just so she doesn’t keep reminding you about forgetting for the remainder of the year. Or more practically, so that she might overlook your habitual tardiness. But where does one find the crap paraphernalia by which to appease the West Covina set? I’m always amazed at the mounds of trash people describe as ‘cute’ and even more incredulous that said items were available at an actual store. In the modern era. Plus I can barely believe they chose to look at these items, out of their own volition, all day long, at the place at which they toil, the 40hr cemetery, the drudgeria, all day long, can’t-wait-for-the-clock-to-tick, temple to mediocrity, the workplace,  anything but here, yes sir, no sir, thank you for calling, please hold, staff meeting at noon, a dozen donuts in the break room, performance evaluation, consider your IRA, no personal calls please, submit to your KRONOS master, donation envelope for ultra-sugary B-day cake of person down the hall, sign up for reduced price tickets to shitty local outing by noon, waiting to go home, the CFO wants to treat your dept to a “friendly” get-to-know-me-but-mandatory fast food lunch, the workload and stress piles on, yet the obnoxious receptionist expects you to join in with chatter about their stupid offspring and its impending move to some lousy college.

But yeah, so back on topic, you need to buy some junk? Let me show you where!

Alhambra Beauty Supply! Maybe you are avoiding Monterey Park because of a certain false shoplifting charge and are wary of caressing the lovely figurines at Heavenly Choice, lest temptation lead you astray. Or possibly you just want to remember your trip to Granada, thus a dip into the equally awesome Alhambra. I don’t know when or why, but at some point in your miserable trajectory of “office work” you will thank me for making you aware of this Betty Poop Resource Center. Plus 10 % off on Tuesdays!

Yer Welcome!

Alhambra Beauty Supply & Salon   626.281.2790
445 W Main St.
Alhambra, CA 91801

BONUS! BONUS! BONUS!

Seemingly done with no irony, a “Thank you for all your Blessings Lord” design competes with the Poop-Poop-A-Doopster for a bit of your emotional coinage.

Please don’t feed the pander-handlers.

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Related posts:

1. Exposed Cargo
2. La Crisis: Recycling Lines

A few months ago an old friend told me he was contemplating opening up a skate shop in BH. Then he went and got a space. And now he’s finally opened up his shop. C’mon on in and take a look!

Yup, it really is a skate shop, look at all them boards! When I was younger this sight would have made my day. Instead I bought my first real-ish board from some toy shop on Whittier. I thought it was the best board ever.

Don’t forget the trucks. They come in all kinds of colors. The green ones go faster, the red ones are for quicker stopping. Sure, why not.

Oh yeah, they also have wheels, which are an optional but useful feature on skateboards. Hmm, I didn’t see any rusty metal ones like the kind I used to ride, maybe they ran out. BTW, thats the board CHAKA used to ride a long time ago.

They round out their shop with some interesting t-shirts…

… even some punk classics…

… and a bit of art, some not even skate related!

Some shoes, tees, and a fridge for cold water and refreshments. Looks like the making of a decent after-school hangout spot.

Meet Mando and the crew! When you go to get your next board, don’t tell them I sent you or you’re likely to pay more than full price.

It’s right near the Hollenbeck Skate Park that Random took pictures of some time ago. Just up the street towards Whittier, where that TV repair shop used to be.

Good Luck, Soul Skating!

Soul Skating Community Skate Shop   323.266.6611
770 S. Boyle Ave.
Los Angeles, CA 90023

Related posts:

1. Interested bike riders in Lincoln Heights, El Sereno, or Boyle Heights?
2. Boyle Heights on Lockdown
3. Purgatory Pizza in Boyle Heights

And the accolades just keep pouring in! The 2 random minutes of action on some LA street corner is making a lasting impression on people. Oh, what an impression.

Today we bring you a corner I know very well, having spent many hours waiting for the 251 to take me back home. On this Saturday morning the traffic and peds were light, not the usual crush of humanity that it once was. There used to be much more street vending which made the place lively and interesting, but the bad planning dept has made sure they get their way. With the bad planning.

On this corner I’ve seen many, many checkpoints, where cars get impounded in the middle of the night and a family of 6 has to figure out how to get home to Huntington Park, I’ve had cholos tell me that they used to kill people and take lots of drugs but cuz of Jesus they don’t do that anymore, I’ve battled for sitting space on the window ledge with the nopal vendor, I’ve seen the buses pass us up cuz they don’t want to bother with the large crowd, I’ve seen murals tagged up and sometimes restored, and I’ve heard my fair share of annoying evangelists with a bullhorn.

Since they moved the bus stop to the Payless, its no longer as busy. But still, its a nice corner.

Related posts:

1. Eastside 101: Brooklyn and Soto
2. Brooklyn & Boyle issue 5
3. Calle Soto

When I took my first trip to Europe I did what everyone does and checked out some travel books for some information and ideas. They’re useful in giving you a general sense of a place. On a whim I thought “let’s see what they say about Los Angeles” and man was that a bucket of hot water: this travel book racket is run by fools with money. Or sometimes just fools. I quickly realized that those that portray our city, in all the various ways you can, tend to do so either for money or because they have the money to do so. Its pretty messed up. My consternation to the lousy representation of our city is one of the main reasons I started my shitty website CHANFLES! (and later an even shittier blog) a decade ago. Who am I to decide to document this supposed glamorous city? I am a nobody in a metropolis that believes celebrity is a life-force. But I’ve learned through the process of experience that those that feel entitled to represent our city, no matter how many months ago they arrived, have nothing better to offer. My take can’t be that bad, can it? And therein was my mistake, trying to present an alternative understanding of LA to the ether, before becoming a somebody. Cuz nobody cares unless they care about you. Nobody cares what the nobodies think.

And then it’s time for the Cosmic Flip concept that my long lost friend Heriberto was fond of discussing : maybe the lack of importance makes it super important. I won’t delve into this serious filosophizing, but it was something to that effect. In any case, I think I’ve done my small part in describing my city. But in the end, the bastards with the money still own the bullhorn: they get to blurt out their inanities all over the place. I’ve been keeping watch.

So finally, the point of this post. I’m going to show you a sampling of travel books/guide books to LA to see how they deal with our lil’ historic community known as the Eastside. How do you think we will fare?

BTW, there’s a bunch of pics ahead, so plan your reading accordingly.

If you suspect the Eastside is going to get the short end of the stick, then you’d be on the right track! I basically raided the Arroyo Seco and Chinatown libraries for any travel books that mentioned our side of town (many don’t) and took a few pics to showcase how we get represented. Sounds fun eh?

First up, some old  “Underground Guide” to LA. Whatever you say.

The Eastside is somewhere on Beverly, which is bad enough, but you lost me at “art party with clubby happenings”. Flush!

With a cover of beach volleyball you know this is going to be good.

Oh hey, they lumped two regions of Los Angeles into one paragraph! Way to save trees Frommer. Hmm, I don’t remember the 92 riots being centered in East LA. But thanks for that cue with your choice of the word “barrios”, I guess tourists will now be able to infer to be careful-with-the-Mexicans. Remind me to take you out for a drink sometime, Meester Frommer. Somewhere in the middle of Hollenbeck lake, particularly at night.

In case you didn’t pick up on the “barrios” hint, they make sure to point out those Ethnic neighborhoods where the others live. The fancy Pacific Palisades neighborhood doesn’t get tagged with being a White Ethnic enclave. Cuz they’re the default, normal ethnicity.

I wish this book was a person so I could punch him in the face.

Yes, I’m hungry! And I’m kinda real too! Give me the lowdown!

Okay, there’s a semblance of rational. Looking good!

Ciros and Tepeyac? Yeah, ok, I can’t fault you for the choices. People keep propping those places up cuz they don’t know what else to eat. But to give El Tepeyac the tagline “So good, you’d think your abuelita made it herself” is a joke. If my grandma was making this slop I would assume she was working for an equestrian stable of carnivorous horses. This ain’t human food people.

Don’t let me down Time Out!

Wow, a respectful and decent intro to East LA. How hard is that?

Luminarias? Oh man, they drank the Kool-Aid! Still, a short round of applause for a guide book that dares to explore the Eastside. Time Out is gonna win this post, I just know it.

Shhh! It’s the Hidden and secretive LA that they’re about to expose.

East Los Angeles = East of the river. Good start.

Some useful info.

Hey, not bad. It’s as if we were a part of the city. I approve.

Let’s see if we make the cut in this California guide.

I think the Eastside gets grouped with Downtown, since there is that keyword “ethnic”. And that’s about it.

Hmm, the Eastside is pretty old, maybe we will make the cut as “Vintage”.

Will you look at that? An Eastside that doesn’t even bother with those bothersome barrios East of the river. This is what your “fluid” geographical lines accomplish, Mr. Journalist.

Ahh, but we do get a Q&A with some “Eastside” representatives obsessed with old junk, which they’ve strewn about in their messy living room! Oh you crazy kids. My frozen heart for your type has just thawed slightly. Mostly from rage.

What kind of boring title and cover is that? A lame one. Must be some crusty punk zine trying to slum it.

At least they found a few restaurants in the East. Not many though.

What’s with all those quotes on the Serenata paragraph? Let’s count!

“Don’t expect a burrito” – 1
“high-quality” – 2
“spectacular” -3
“tantalizing” -4
“delectable” – 5
“affordable” – 6
“colonial” -7
“vary” – 8
“out-of-town foodies” (Ugh!) – 9
“trek” – 10

It’s like a haiku from a drunk blabbermouth. Maybe I should have read the “how to use this needlessly complicated guide” section, but who has time for such things?

WTF?!? They’re at it again.

“Home of the Hollenbeck burrito” – 1
“classic must” – 2
“challenge to finish” – 3
“small” – 4
“revered” – 5
“more for your money” – 6
“flavorful” – 7
“homestyle” – 8
“fast” – 9
“go early” -10
“waiting in line” -11
“don’t expect” -12
“family photos on the wall” – 13
“real” -14

Damn that sounds stupid. Plus they never mention that the place sucks.

What? You again? Why don’t you combine your boring guides into one that’s useful?

Ha ha! Well the Eastside didn’t cut it for the Nightlife guide, cuz yer not supposed to be here when the sun goes down, dontcha know. What about drinking in the cemetery? Getting chased out of “closed” parks? Oh, there’s nightlife on the Eastside, don’t you dare doubt it.

Aww, the newcomers vision of LA: surfers, Hollywood sign, Palm trees, while you cruise on PCH in your red convertible with your scarf (!) blowing in the wind. Pretty much the antithesis of my Los Angeles. But lets continue.

Well golly geez, no wonder! Their geography is all funny and fucked up!

LA East includes Beverly Hills, Culver City, West LA, UCLA, Mar Vista, Bel Air. Aww, well hello neighbors! I’m not your gardener, by the way. Boyle Heights is not on the map, but they include an arrow at the edge of the map to indicate its general vicinity.

Ah, yes. This is why we all love newcomers.

Oh wait, I guess we are actually in Downtown. But you can ignore this info because they make sure to make you think twice about living in the ghost-town, where only the homeless ghosts venture. Nice!

Yes, home of the “ethnically diverse” neighborhoods. They just don’t know how else to mention that the neighborhoods are full of OTHERS. Ooooooohhhhhhhh! Wooooooooaaaaahhhhhhh!

Let’s see what Fodor’s is up to. Disneyland and OC? Pics of some more movie based interests? Okay.

Woot! Off the map!

Ha Ha! Fucking jokers end up putting in some joke listings, just to get your goat. To the porta-potty with you!

Don’t let me down Lonely Planet, you’ve always been useful to me.

Aww, you lose. Huevos divorciados are separated by chilaquiles, and each of the eggs has a different sauce. I’ve had the Huevos divorciados at Liliana’s, and now I know you’re a liar. No wonder yer lonely.

What a disturbing cover. Oh well, I guess it suits the city. But let’s see how we fare in Frommer’s 2 years later.

Off the map! We defy you to find us!

Look at all the other fine parts of Los Angeles they manage to squeeze in. Even Bell makes a cameo. Eggcellent!

Plus it includes a confessional by the editor telling us how he’s from up North and he always looked down upon LA, – he even hated LA! – but now he has found a spot in his softening-out-of-necessity feeble heart to find the will to tolerate our city. Isn’t it awesome that he gets to showcase his ideas of Los Angeles?

So what does this book recommend as an itinerary if you had only 1 day to see LA? The “walk of fame”, Grauman’s Theatre, and a tour on a bus to see the fences and hedges of celebrities. Wot a waste.

Yet again, we make the special “ethnic neighborhood” feature. Woo. Hoo.

And that will conclude our foray into mostly shitty guidebooks written by even shittier guides.

Someone I know believes its good that the Eastside doesn’t get mentioned anywhere, to supposedly keep the Eastside hidden from the gentrifiers. I don’t think that is going to be possible. The lousy coverage our community receives presents an opportunity for folks to write about the city we know, the places we understand, the food we eat, in a manner that is worthy of our own style of documentation.

They ain’t shit, we can do better.

A link to all my Eastside 101 posts.

Related posts:

1. Silver Lake is not the Eastside and consumerism isn’t GREEN!!
2. On the LA Times Map and Patt Morrison
3. In Quotes: “Eastside as Homeland”

Hmm, that seemed a bit boring. Just a bunch of speeding autos. Maybe even very boring. Did the Westside just kill the Random 2 Minutes on some stupid corner?

Stay Tuned!

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1. Westside 101: West Hollywood Bookfair
2. Westside 10A: Mulched Hydrants
3. Westside 10A: Storage

Hmm, what’s that smoke?

Oh look, Elysian Park is on fire. Fire trucks and freeway service is on the way!

Fire action!

Fire as seen from the other side, with the benefit of the sun, the smelly smoke, the smelly freeway, and a fence. Exciting!

Fire as seen from the parking lots of the Lincoln Heights Smart & Final. Intriguing!

The LA Eastside action crew: bringing you the breaking news that don’t matter!

Film at 11?

No.

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1. Boston’s On Fire, and so is El Sereno
2. Smoke on the horizon
3. Choose Your Illusion?

Since it was such a ringing success, with encouraging comments like the one by Oscar that said “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”, then I’m just obligated to continue my 2 random minutes of somewhere posts.

Here we find ourselves in Chinatown, on N. Broadway and Ord. Wait for the crazy action towards the end.
Enjoy!

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Its one thing for people to use some of the pictures I put online for their own purposes. A link back is the nice thing to do, though they often forget these basic manners.  But its quite another when some lousy and supposed legitimate “news” racket borrows my stuff and they don’t acknowledge the source. And it’s even worse when its used for a purpose completely different then the original intent.

Take for example the pricks at Fox 11.

Last night I was watching the news hoping to get some highlights of the days matches, but instead Fox blathers on about Paris Hilton getting busted for pot in South Africa during a World Cup game. Then something about Lindsay Lohan getting punched in the face. You know, important news. And then all of a sudden, Chris Blabford is doing his usual get-tough-on-crime story, this time about someone they are accusing of having delighted many Angelenos with some inspiring freeway cats. Only his angle is the usual law and order bullshit. No surprise there. But what the fuck? Are they using one of my pictures to promote their anti-graffiti agenda? Boo! Hiss!

The whole reason for my post featuring the freeway cats was to point out how fun it was to spot them around the next bend, how they added a tiny bit of joy on that commute towards your daily dose of drudgery. None of that popular sentiment was even touched on in this report, just lots of whining about “costing tax payers money” and lame evidence against him just cuz he had some graffiti books in his house. I think what irks me most is that some low life reporter decides to use my picture of a social good to showcase some perceived social evil, turning my positive into a negative. Here’s a link to the story, my pic is at the 1:31 mark.

Oh wait, did you use two of my pictures?

Oh yes you did. Wot an asshole. I don’t get bent out of shape when someone takes my stuff online, that’s what the internet is for and I know I’m going to resume my own stealing soon enough. But when some figure of moral correctitude starts borrowing my poetic pro-crime tools to advance the agenda of The Man, then it’s time to call the fool out!

Done.

So in summary:

Related posts:

1. NPR is cancelling News and Notes with Farai Chideya
2. Freeway Cats
3. Token Rights. Breaking Special Order 40