“Summer ’08, List to Accomplish”

“Summer ’08, List to Accomplish” a short novel by Fulana DeTal

It was already July, and I could tell that this summer could suck like all the rest unless I put my mind to some serious changes in my life. I rolled out of bed despite my ass begging to stay put, and threw what I could grab into my purse. I had two bus tokens left and two minutes left on my cell phone. 2+2=4. 4 means the #4 bus westbound bus. I was going to the beach!Two hours later I was feeling the hot sand of Santa Monica scorch my toes. I sat on my towel, pulled out a notebook and made a list titled: “Summer ’08, List to Accomplish”. The salty breeze felt good on my face as I looked up at the blue sky, the waves looked like little hills looking to be climbed. I had a sudden urge to swim. Reality slapped me down. I had neglected to pack a swimsuit. I looked down at my list.” Life is too damn short”, I said aloud. A skip and a splash later and I was neck deep in green, salty water, naked as a fish. I was so happy with myself, giggling uncontrollably as I made my way back to the beach. Wrapping myself up in my towel I was basking in the thrill of my impromptu Skinny Dip, when a smooth male voice next to me whispered: “Hola, Quieres Cojer?”
I turned to face him, he was cute, but he deserved the bitch slap I was about to inflict upon his disrespectful ass. As I raised my hand, he suddenly went soft, “No, no”, he stuttered, “Dije COMER, traes hambre?” I realized the salt water in my ears had impaired my hearing as I looked down and discovered he was holding a to-go box from “Pollo Campero” and he was actually inviting me to join him for lunch. I smiled at him my sweetest smile and we sat there and chatted for who knows how long. His name was Rani. “Ya es tarde”, he said, “Yeah, It’s getting dark”, I replied.
“Do you have to go now?” he asked. “No”. He excused himself, and returned shortly with two paper bags. He handed one to me, then touched his to mine.
Salud!” he smiled, as we took long cold drinks of Corona.
It must have been close to midnight when I remember coming up for air and
drifting into consciousness, back from the dreamworld of his passionate kisses. We were still on the beach, alone now, save for the pounding surf and the encroaching sand fleas. “I have a house on the beach, we could go there”, he said invitingly. (Later I found out that he was actually a day laborer working on a beach house while the owner was away, but why spoil the mood). I picked up my things as he took my hand.
The next morning, I woke up and found him standing over me. “Mira, look what I’ve got for you”. I gasped as he pulled out a long beautiful surfboard. That morning he taught me how to use it. Later, as we sunbathed on the roof of the house, he suggested, “Oye, let’s have a party on the beach tonight”. “Orale!” I squealed.
He had invited some Paisas over, and that night we lit a couple of bonfires and huddled around like we were camping. The party got good and I played the bartender for a while. We played spin the bottle and I got hooked up with some blond beach bum that crashed our little Pachanga.
“Hello, I’m Matthew”, he slurred. “Oh My God”, I said to myself, it’s Goddam Matthew McConaughey, the actor, Holy Shit!” “Listen, he said, my casting director is looking for somebody just like you, have you done any acting before? Are you SAG? Are you free for about six weeks?” I was on Cloud-9. My mind could not handle it, I jumped up, threw all my clothes off and shrieked, “Let’s Skinny Dip!”
Minutes later, everyone was naked and dripping wet by the bonfires, Matthew came face to face with me and looked deep into my eyes. “I’ll need you on the set at 6:00 a.m. tomorrow morning, can you make it?”, I nodded. “Can you get a new dress?” again, I nodded. “One more thing, are you sitting on a bear cub?” puzzled I answered, …”No”, “Then get a Brazilian”, he barked. “Do you need some cash?, Drugs?, a place to stay?, just call me” he added as he gave me his card. It sounded like the ol’ “Champagne Trick” but what the heck.
My mind sailed in away in the land of fantasy and I thought I saw a bunch of guys dancing on the beach. They seem to be floating on the sand. They took my hand and I thought, “”This can’t be happening, this is the JabbawockeeZ crew, I’m dancing with the JabbaWockeez crew”….. “No!” I cried, I have to go! I have an audition in the morning!” As I began to run, I could hear Rani somewhere calling my name. “Fulana! Fulana!”. But I couldn’t stop “Goodbye, Rani1”, I cried out, “You will always be my summer love!” I kept running. My future depended on it. At the bus stop, a little man was selling Donuts and Lotto tickets.
I bought one plain glazed and one Quick-Pick. I fucking won $350,000. Right then and there. Just like that. It seemed like I arrived in Echo Park in a matter of minutes. Time flew like a Pedos in the wind. The Sun was coming up, and little golden ripples appeared on Echo Park Lake, not a single lotus blossom in sight. I stopped near the edge where a tweeker was fishing. “Here”, he said, and he handed me his fishing pole and lit a cigarette. “Do you want a tattoo? I do tattoos.”, I looked at him for a long moment. “Sure”, I said. “Write ‘Rani” on my left Nalga”.
A few days later, I was having Huevos Rancheros at a little dive in Lincoln Heights. I was a rich movie star now, but I still liked to keep it real. Digging through my purse for a big tip, I discovered my “Summer of ’08 List to Accomplish”. I laughed and laughed again. I walked out and tossed my list to the wind. “Mission Accomplished”, I yelled out. I got into my Escalade and drove off. As I looked in the rear view mirror, I noticed a weird, tallish, vegetarian looking dude in a plaid shirt stop and pick up my old list from the pavement.

This entry was posted in Media, Pendejadas, Uncategorized by AlDesmadre. Bookmark the permalink.

About AlDesmadre

Al Guerrero, Artist/Humorist. Los Angeles, CA. Born in Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico and raised in East Los Angeles from the age of two, Al Guerrero grew up just steps from the famous Chicano strip, Whittier Boulevard. His youth experiences include witnessing and participating in the 1970 Chicano Power demonstrations, cruising cars on Whittier Boulevard, and graduating from Garfield High School. After dropping out of UCLA (with honors), he drew upon his lifelong passion for art and cartooning and pursued a career in graphic arts. During this period, he traveled overseas and found artistic inspiration from the masterworks he discovered within the European Art Museums. His career blossomed when he was eventually hired by the Walt Disney Company in 1995, where he worked as a creative artist for a number of years. Although the artistic work was rewarding, he eventually grew weary & disillusioned with the bureaucracy of the entertainment business, and left to work briefly in the educational field. His credits include producing a feature film with actor, Conrad Brooks of Ed Wood fame, founding and performing with the Punk Rock group “The Psychocats” at numerous L.A. & Hollywood venues during the 1990’s, and in 1999 he founded and created a hell-bent puppet cabaret show aptly named: “The Puppets from Hell”. As a long time active member of the Los Angeles Cacophony Society, Al “Quaeda”, as he was known, was involved in countless Cacophony Society pranks and events throughout the city. He also produced the “Incredibly Strange Cinema” cult film series as well as themed events such as the now infamous “Pornothon Movie Nights” and the satirical “Mexican Night: Noche De Tequila & Putas” shows at local nightclub venues. Throughout his art career, he has exhibited his canvas paintings at various local galleries, and has also written & illustrated numerous comic strips and Graphic Novel stories. Today, he lives in Silver Lake, California and works as a freelance artist and writer with numerous multi-media projects under his belt and in the works. His personal hobbies include collecting vintage toys and comic books, cinema history and Los Angeles City history. Contact: alguerrero@earthlink.net Al Guerrero P.O. Box 29697 Los Angeles, CA 90029-0697 www.alguerrero.com Myspace.com/thepuppetsfromhell

12 thoughts on ““Summer ’08, List to Accomplish”

  1. Oh shit, you nailed it! The list comes to life! That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Crazy fulana and her tattoed nalga, she’s not gonna be happy.

    For the record, I found this list on the Westside.

  2. daaaaaaamn, fuck yeah, man! you rock. I feel like getting all theoretical and shit about digital media found art bla bla bla but why spoil it, this is some great stuff, and hilarious, too.

  3. …And so we found the new America Ferrera.

    Write screenplays! Maybe make Quinceañera II. “She’s back, with a tattoo on her left nacha!”

  4. Hey, “Summer ‘08, List to Accomplish” could make a neat Graphic Novel,

    Seriously! Do it fotonovela style Al. I would totally buy it.
    BTW, I kinda liked Mi Vida Loca even though it had it’s lameness. I saw the movie in the Commerce Theater when it came out, a double feature with El Mariachi. More fun than the movie was all the cholas and homeboys in the audience tsk, tsking Mi Vida Loca. My favorite was when a chola yelled out to the audience “I’d never fight my homegirl for no man!”

  5. Chimatli,
    I’m shocked you even WENT to the Commerce Theater in the first place. Eeewww!!
    (I’m a Theater Snob). Hey, sometimes it’s fun to go to a “Yell at the Screen experience” like that. But that was a decent double feature you saw, I hope you got your coupon for the Free Nachos. I actually saw a good Mexican movie there once with my Dad called “La Ley De Herodes”.
    Re: A Fotonovela. I’d consider it if I got enough pre-orders.;)

  6. that’s a great idea !!!! fotonovela, graphic novel lo que sea, it’s an over all great idea. If you need some inspiration or ideas check out “Love&Rockets.” http://www.fantagraphics.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=69&Itemid=82
    I’ll pre-order it now if it’ll just get the ball rolling. I’m one of the biggest comic books nerds in all of Boyle Heights. We definitely need more comic book stories from coming out from the Eastside.

  7. Hey El Random Hero,
    I echo your sentiments 100%. I’ve been reading & making comics since I was 5 yrs old.
    And I’ve been a fan of the Hernandez Bros., R. Crumb, Jack Kirby, EC Comics, as well as European artists like Manara, Moebius & Magnus and you name it, dozens more. In fact, I’m counting the days until I go to COMIC CON in San Diego in a few weeks. (I’ll be doing a report post for LAEastside while I’m there). I’m currently working a Monster Graphic Novela, Eastside style, I started a year ago, so honestly, I can’t promise I can squeeze in “List to Accomplish”, but I promise I’ll try to give it a go! By the way, we also need more comic book stores on the Eastside!

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